Diary Of A Snow Shoveler
(Let it snow, let it snow, let it
started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I
took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the
huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a
Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I
We woke to a beautiful blanket of
crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a
fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole
world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for
the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both
our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow
came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the
driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
The sun has melted all our lovely
snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to
worry...We'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by
the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I
don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad
he's our neighbor.
Snow, lovely snow! Eight inches
last night. The temperature dropped to -20 degrees. The cold
makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I
warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the
life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this
much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I
wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
Twenty inches forecast. Sold my van
and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car
and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a
wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's
silly. After all, we aren't in Alaska.
Ice storm this morning. Fell on the
ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife
laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
Still way below freezing. Roads are
too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I
had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should
have bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it
when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my
own living room.
Electricity's back on, but got
another fourteen inches of the stuff last night. More shoveling.
Took all day. Snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor
kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I
think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to
see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I
have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I
think he's lying.
Bob was right about a white
Christmas, because thirteen more inches of the white thing fell
today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took
me forty five minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel.
By the time I got dressed, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the
winter...but he says he's too busy. I think he's lying.
Only two inches of snow today. And
it warmed up to zero. The wife wanted me to decorate the front
of the house this morning. What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she
tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think
she's also lying.
Six inches of snow packed so hard
by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart
attack. If I ever catch the guy who drives that snowplow, I'll
drag him through the snow for sure. I know he hides around the
corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes
down the street at a hundred miles an hour and throws snow all
over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing
Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy
watching for the snowplow.
Merry Christmas. Twenty more inches
of the blankety blank snow tonight. Snowed in. The idea of
shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the
snowplow driver came by asking for a donation, and I hit him
over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad
attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a
Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
Still snowed in. Why did I ever
move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my
Temperature dropped to -30 degrees and the
Warmed up to above -50 degrees.
Still snowed in. This is driving me crazy!!!
Ten more inches. Bob says I have to
shovel the roof off or it could cave in. That's the silliest
thing I've ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver
is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head.
The wife went home to her mother. Nine inches predicted.
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more
I feel so good. I just love those
little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the